When Time Stands Still

by Rege Gilmore

I awake each day same time, same place, same conditions as though I live in a capsule of deja vu. I try so very hard not to look at my situation as failure yet more as a moment of clarity. Trying to fit all of what others need me to do into a time block of time running out. I pray, I hope, and I struggle to maintain faith, but the conditions I clearly see have taken a position of residency in my less than productive life…so it seems! Don’t mistake what I am saying as if I’m complaining, I’m clearly chiseling broken pieces of painful residue  invading my space. Suicidal thoughts lie in the crevices of my mind, yet afraid to tell anyone because then I would be subject to undergo mental evaluation. I’m not suicidal but I will admit countless thoughts have passed me and some have either walked beside me and or have stood still while at the crossroad. Habitually  homeless, spirit dead in a maze of constant tears silently streaming down my face when no one was watching. Wanting to pick up a crack stem and blast away all  memory of anything that caused instability. When time stands still I begin to feel alone and excluded from all good. I attended NA meetings that only remind me that when I leave to make sure I stop at the store for choy, stem, and lighter. Oh and don’t forget the crack! Everybody has a solution but not one wants to really listen to my pain that yells louder than the words. Does anyone care or is it just another payday for the educated. More meds for that out of body experience that leads to more depression after they’ve done their part for a brief moment only to addict them to another substance called excuses. We sit behind the back of computers as they look at the screen typing anything that comes to mind, and then tell you to sign what they’ve interpreted from what you’ve said. Later to find that you’ve signed your life over to the system that fails you everyday.  They systematically place you in a nonexistent file of cold cases gone wrong…

 

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